Ideal Lifetime Relationship

[maruf]

Ideal Lifetime Relationship
10/8/2004 - Family Social - Article Ref: IC0410-2477
Number of comments: 4
By: IslamiCity
IslamiCity* -




"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30: 21).

Following are some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage, as well as, those who are already married.

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. No one was more conscious of this than the Prophet. His Sunnah reflects keen attention to personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your spouse was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your spouse knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your spouse to get side-tracked by the likes of a Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your spouse.

2. Be a companion to your spouse. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run races with 'Aisha. By all means try to involve your spouse in your interests.

3. Be active in Islamic community life. This will strengthen your commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of activity and contacts.

4. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your spouse errs. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your spouse does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.

5. Have a sense of humor. Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations.

6. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex. Do not try to test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only cause dissension and bad feelings.

7. Share household duties. Brothers, take note. This is especially important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi).

8. Surprise each other with gifts. Treat her to an evening out alone, away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can give to a marriage.

9. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad. Tell him how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

10. Live within your means. Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet did not live this way, neither should you.

11. Respect your spouse's need for privacy. A quiet time to oneself, either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable person agreeable.

12. Don 't share personal problems with others. There are a few exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out first.

13. Be sensitive to your spouse's moods. If you want to share a personal achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' . Wait for the proper time.

You may be saying to yourself, "This is easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of faith".

Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead righteous. Qur'an 25:74

The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good spouse.



Adapted from the original article "Tips for a Happier Muslim Marriage" by Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid published in Islam for Today

[Islamic Revival]

On the whole good advice. I have an issue with point 1.


Yes, we should be careful and make efforts with our appearance, but I think that Islam has come to free us from these superficialities. The reason for trying to look nice for husband/wife should not be because we are insecure and fear that they will run to someone else if we look less than perfect.



The rest was good.

[unknown]

asslamuliaqum,

i have been reading all about the realationship of husband and wife,but i want to know a few things,
what if the wife is doing everything right and the husband astrays.what does she do then?

[Islamic Revival]

As-salam alaikum,


Thank you for this question. It's a very good one and a common situation.


I think that first of all, the wife should try to convince her husband to change his ways. For this, she must first learn about Islam herself. There are ways to do this very subtely, rather than just criticising him. By making him realise that he is going against what Allah (swt) has ordered and reminding him that one day he will be answerable to Allah (swt).

I believe strongly that a person's company influences how they think and act. I would advise the wife to encourage her husband to spend time with good company. So, if she knows a good, practising couple, then she can (with her husband's consent of course) invite them round and try to get her husband to be friends with the other man. This might affect him positively.

The couple can both try to go to the masjid together or attend Islamic talks together. This would be good for both of them.

These are suggestions I have on a personal level. Maybe other members have more they can add.

Unfortunately the societies we live in don't really encourage people to follow Islam, and that's what we should be aiming for. If there is a general environment which encourages people to think and act in an Islamic way, then I believe such problems would be rare.

wa salam.

[maruf]

asslamuliaqum,

i have been reading all about the realationship of husband and wife,but i want to know a few things,
what if the wife is doing everything right and the husband astrays.what does she do then?



Wa’alaykum as-salaam,


Here is my take on your question; please brothers and sisters correct me on any errors:

1. By everything right, I assume you mean according to this article?

2. By going astray...that is a hard one; do you mean he is sinning? Because there is a difference between the points listed above and not praying, fasting, committing Zina, etc.


Now, from my experience and observation, the male-female relationship is a complicated one, and especially at certain times.

The issue for any couple, whether Muslim or not is do they each meet each other’s needs and expectations. This is really key to marital happiness, if you ask me.

So for example, if a wife’s expectation is that her husband buys flowers for her very often, if the husband fulfilled this expectation, chances are she would be happier.

If the husband had an expectation that his wife prepare a hot meal every day, if she did this, chances are he would be happier.

I think that trying as much as possible in the pre-marital phase to articulate these expectations would be the ideal, although it would not be a “full proof” way to prevent issues coming up in marriage.

If in any the points mentioned above, he/she does not want to work on, and it is an expectation from a husband or wife, there is bound to be less happiness in the marriage. These are human issues. I think sometimes it could even be a control issue involved as well. I do not think that it should come down to conflict, but often times this is the case.

In an Ideal environment as what Islamic revival mentioned, the man and the woman would put a premium on Islaam as an expectation instead of other issues, but Islaam seems to be assumed, of course he goes to the masjid, of course he prays, but is he as neat as I would like, does he make enough money, does he ignore my habits and have the beautiful patience that the Prophet (saw) had with his wives, not that she would be happy with the idea of wives in the first place. These are human emotions and expectations. Because we have not been cultured in an Islaamic environment where Islaam comes first and foremost, this is the case. What about the Ansar who pledged to divorce one of their wives to give to the muhajireen? Would we ever see something like this today? What would be the reactions of the wife or even the husband? Islaam was put first.

As much as we deny this fact, we are influenced by Western or Eastern traditions that are enveloped within Islaam. So we think that we are making choices on Islaam when really culture, at times is playing a role which we justify with Islaam.

If the husband is doing something Haraam, this is serious issue that could be a basis for divorce. If the husband is simply not meeting an expectation such as preparing meals when you are not up to it, that is another issue in my opinion. Nonetheless, it is serious issue that can lead to an unhappy marriage due to one’s expectation that being met.

If the problem is that latter, then I believe the husband and wife need to sit down and have honest discussions about it. Divorce of these issues, especially when children are involved seems horrible to me, but at the same time if the love and harmony is ruined as a result, there is a problem.

Ideally it would be great if husbands and wives each met one another’s needs and expectations. Ideally it would be great that the potential mates discussed all their likes and dislikes before they stepped into a marriage in my opinion. Often times however, it is impossible to do or because both parties are very eager and sincere when wanting to get married, that they do not mentioned things that may come up like, school and career expectations and practically what implications they will mean. There is a common expression in Western culture..”You do not know someone until you live with them.” Which is true, you do not know their idiosyncrasies, how neat they are, how kind they are, do they really smile all the time, even in difficult times, not just in the pre-marital phase. This gives us an understanding on why it is so difficult to reach the Ideal.

So couples have married, one sister wears hijab and prays, but she is determined to finish her PHD, while he wants to have children. There is a conflict…how is this resolved. It would be nice to say, Islaam Islaam, but Islaam often times is not really the main priority, but because it is assumed and taken for granted. I wear hijab, I pray, I am Muslim, but have we made Islaam our life? Meaning that what role did Islaam assign primarily to the man and woman? What are the limits? Does his Islaam mean more to me than his/her flaws? This is a difficult question for many. If he does da’wah for a considerable amount of time while you are stuck at home with the mundane life of housework and children, are you happy? Would you rather he stay and talk with you all night instead? Where is the priority? But this is real stuff and cannot always be worked out ahead of time. Now what does the couple do? These are deep issues, and what person does not have flaws? It is easy to say just talk and work these problems out, but it is said many are not working it out, especially the young couples raised and influence by the West.

The dynamics of the male-female relationships are not simple. I have sat and sit in many feminist lead classes. Many women feel mistreated, hostility towards men. One of the key reasons is power. If he can do it, I can do it too. There is competition in the home. Expectations on both sides are not being met. I do not see any male or female ever perfectly pleasing the other, there will always be short-comings. Islaam gave the husband a role and the wife a role, but the societies and cultures we live in are contradictory in their ideals, messages, roles, etc.

Marriage should be a place for harmony not conflict. But this has something to due with our expectations and needs. But expectations and needs do not come from thin air. We need to re-examine why we want our wives to look like the Halle Berries and others like her. Where did this come from, how much influence does dominant culture play on us as Muslims. So you may be saying, “Hey Ma’ruf, if you are so great in your understanding, why do not you marry the many sisters who are looking for good husbands?’ No I would not put myself in this light, and I would never say that I am an Ideal Muslim, much less a husband” We try our best, Insha Allah. It is a truly personal issue which husband and wife need to work out. What works for some may not work for others. Why? Because we are individuals with various thoughts, concepts, feelings and emotions that should be connected to Islaam but often times fall short. If we build strong Islaamic personalities, we would build strong spouses.


So in summary

I agree with Islaamic revival that we should make as many attempts as we can to bring our husbands and wives closer to Islaam. And the amount of attempts we make will depend on how much we can take and how much Islaam is a premium in our lives.

I think it is horrible that any man would mistreat his wife. I think that marriage should be a place of happiness and satisfaction.

If the husband is doing something Haraam, this is very serious and you have to deal with it effectively. In order to be effective you have understand the person. But still on what basis was the marriage started, how is he going astray?

If he is not doing Haraam, and simply not meeting an expectation, ideally if this expectation is explained with sincerity, he would try to meet it. What person would flat out refuse his spouse? But indeed changing people is not an easy thing. This issue is really a personal issue between the husband and wife. Islaam should be considered first in my opinion, but that is easy for me to say, I would not be the one who feels mistreated. The mistreated one has to examine her/his expectations in light of the roles Islaam said we should fulfill while understanding the influence dominant cultural and societal values has on them. I think of the Qur’anic verse which says that:


4:3 If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

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We see that the ability to be just to the wife is very important.

There is problem when one feels mistreated, even if the mistreatment might seem trivial, for this can lead to un-happiness which leads to many other issues. But what about the ayat Allah says:

4:19 O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.


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